By Michael Dadson, PhD, RCC, CCC
You don’t need to arrive at couples counselling with a shared account of what went wrong. In the first session, your counsellor begins to understand what each of you is experiencing and helps you develop goals together. You can come with different hopes, different memories of the same conversation, or simply a sense that the way things are going can’t continue.
What happens in the first session?
Your counsellor will usually explain how the work begins, including how confidentiality is handled and what to expect if you continue. Then there is time to hear from each of you. What made this feel like the time to come in? What has been difficult to say at home? What would you want your partner to understand about the last few months?
That first conversation can also help you notice a pattern you have been living inside. Imagine one partner saying, “I ask again because I’m afraid we’ll never talk about it,” and the other saying, “I go quiet because I’m afraid everything I say will make it worse.” The counsellor can slow the exchange down so there is room to hear what each person means and what the other person has been hearing. Neither explanation erases the impact on the other partner, but it gives you something more specific to work on.
What can we bring?
One recent moment is often enough. You might describe when you realized an ordinary disagreement had turned into something more painful, or a moment when you felt close and wanted more of that. If it’s difficult to think of an example, bring the question you keep coming back to. There’s no need to agree on it beforehand or try to settle it on the way to the appointment.
What might we take away?
You might leave with words for a pattern you had both struggled to describe, a first goal you can agree on, or a clearer question to bring back. It’s also reasonable to ask the counsellor what they noticed and how they would approach the next conversation. An early sign of fit is that both of you can say what mattered to you in the session, including anything the counsellor misunderstood.
Why the working relationship matters
A review of couple and family therapy research found a relationship between how well people worked with their therapist and how therapy went. More uneven working relationships were associated with poorer outcomes. That’s one reason I pay attention early to whether both people feel they can speak honestly, take part in setting goals, and tell me when something isn’t working.
If you’re exploring local options, you can read about couples and marriage counselling at Gentle Currents Therapy.
